New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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