I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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