Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
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