okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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