I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
