My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
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