I faked an abortion last night.
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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