yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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