There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
