I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
