"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
We need a shit load of segways right now
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions