You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
