my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
