She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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