So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
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So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
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You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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