I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
