Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
