Ketchup is God's man juice
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.