Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Dating After Heartbreak
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism