This is not my ceiling
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.