Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
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