Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
