so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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