Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
