i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
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