Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
