You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
