Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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