I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
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