ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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