I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
