Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize
