i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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