Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
