I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
