my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Randomize
