im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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