so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
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