You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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