why do cheetos always look like penises
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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