Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
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You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
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If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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