i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
