Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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