Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
