Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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