My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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