I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
