i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
you had me at cake vodka
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
