R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
