Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
