rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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