nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
