ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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