I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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