Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
When did we convert life to cartoon?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
