I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Randomize
