dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
