fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
