I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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