this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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