Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
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Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
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I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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